Are you in love? Is your crush blissfully unaware of your harebrained obsession? Studies show that there is a 100% chance that if you are a raving lunatic, you’re also a stalker. But for some reason stalker types get a bum rap, true, they have planned the odd assassination to impress the lady fair (Jodie Foster), and emo poems, written in congealing liquid that looks suspiciously similar to blood, are posted every which way. But that’s old news, before Facebook made stalking a fundamental part of forcing your way, guns blazing, into your crush’s heart and mind. So, Have you added them on Facebook? Then you’re already on your way, For the purposes of this article we’re going to refer to our mutual crush as X. Follow these 9 simple tips and SOMETHING is bound to happen, maybe love, maybe a restraining order! Excitement!
9) The ‘try, try and try some more’ approach: Comment on one of X’s pictures, wait for them to do something about it. The way you (crazy person) see it, they have two choices, they can either ‘like’ it or respond with a funny comment of their own. Heck, a mumbled ‘thanks’ would do. In any case, your existence will be acknowledged and that’s half the battle. In the case where you get absolutely zilch, a good technique to try would be to keep deleting and reposting the same comment until he/she realizes you are insane enough to do this till the end of freakin’ time! and just ‘likes’ it to shut you up. This will also have the added advantage of sending annoying notifications to everyone else that commented on the picture. Win-win.
8) The ‘Like-unlike’ strategy: When you want results similar to no. 10 but lack the wit and mad typing skills required to say ‘lulz, u so crazy!’, you might want to try this. Each time you see X online go and ‘unlike’ all the pictures you ‘liked’ last time you logged on, in about an hour or so ‘re-like’ them all. ALL of them! If X has several albums uploaded, that just adds to the fun! Randomly ‘like’ and ‘unlike’ pictures. Do this as often as you can. Eventually X will feel like he/she is losing his/her mind and also they’ll be sick of seeing your stupid face in their notifications. If you’re lucky, this will also take a toll on X’s fragile ego, and that’s exactly where you want them; sad, broken and unhinged.
7) The disappearing act: Now that you’ve got the basics down pat, let’s move on to something slightly more antagonizing, shall we? Write random things on X’s wall, preferably interesting enough that they’d be compelled to have a conversation with you. Once your conversation has lasted beyond two or three exchanges delete all your own posts. You’ll have to be creative with this, try getting X to mention you by name in their comment, given the right bit of nudging on your part and hyperbolism on their part, the results can be a thing of beauty!
6) Spread the insanity: Here’s a chance for you to share the fun with your friends as your crush’s mind slowly unravels. Air your existential angst on X’s wall, have a pity party with your equally deranged friends about your crippling heroin addiction, conversations that have nothing to do with anything, treat his/her wall like your own dank, smelly basement, where nothing is off limits.
5) Tag, you’re it: Tag X in pictures of you, even when they weren’t there, or possibly have never met you. You could add places you’ve never been to together. This idea works well for pictures of kittens or babies, especially if they’re ugly kittens and babies, hard to find but not impossible. For added lunacy, write on their wall reminding them about the fun the two of you had at the place you never went to. You could also tag them in your status, be sure to use mushy quotes with slightly homicidal undertones.
4) It’s complicated: Set your relationship status to “it’s complicated’ with them. Facebook will try to foil your plans, because it has this irritating habit of letting X know that you’re trying to be in a relationship with them. When they answer with a resounding ‘HELL no!’, your only course of action will be to make vague allusions to the fact that the two of you are in a relationship without actually coming out and saying it.
3) Racism and Hatemongering: Go over X’s picture albums with a fine-tooth comb, make hateful, vile comments about all their friends of the opposite sex. Be as un-pc as possible, racism can be tons of fun! For good measure, insult the particularly good-looking same sex friends too, you know, just in case your crush is gay, I mean why else would they not be in love with you, right?
2) Shopping! With photo!: Have you ever used Photoshop? Great! You don’t know what that is? Even better! Choose some pictures from X’s album which have other people in them, crop out the other people and Photoshop yourself in. Go crazy! Photoshop two or three of yourselves in, and then tag X in it. Use this in conjunction with no.6 and tag a romantic place you wish you could go, like ‘public restroom, Rout 66-Revisited’.
1) Blog it!: The ultimate love letter, write about your insane love strategy on your blog. Give vague, very clear hints as to who your X is, like maybe… oh, I don’t know… they invented being funny on the internet. When they know all the effort you put in they will be impressed and scared out of their minds! (Hi seanbaby!). Now, watch as everything falls into place!
*(Warning: Following the author’s effective, yet crazy advice, could result in you either put in limited access or blocked and deleted altogether from X’s fb.)