I have a propensity for old things. It’s like I’m forever stuck in a state of nostalgia for a time I haven’t really lived through. I like classic rock, retro fashion and explosions of colors. Simpler times, hand written letters, type writers and vinyls. I prefer leather-bound books to most of my friends. I like men old enough to be my dad and I like kids not at all. I mean not like I beat up kids or anything, just that I’d rather avoid their presence if possible. Baby talk disgusts me and romantic relationships are elusive and something ethereal. I’m not sure I believe in love. I have tried. Many times. Each time I present a different version of myself to the object of my desire. That’s not me being a phony, mind you; just whatever I’m feeling with that particular person.
I think I’ve veered off track a little here, but let’s see this train of thought to its logical end. There was this guy I was really into and he kind of told me I need “help”. I guess he meant psychiatric help, to deal with my “struggles and issues”, I had reigned it in quite a bit, I thought. I don’t know what that means and I didn’t have the guts to ask him. I don’t like playing games or being coquettish. I usually say what I feel and I try not to lie.
So, the point is this. I can’t get him out of my mind.He’s hurt me deeper than I thought was possible and I doubt I’ll ever be talking to him again, yet I can’t stop thinking about him. Why is love so hard?
so valentine’s day came around again, and even though i know all the reasons to detest it; it’s a commercial holiday created to make those of us who aren’t getting roses, candy or cards from a loved one, feel like losers, it makes you spend money you don’t have to buy things you don’t need, it almost never lives up to the hype the optimist in me creates and most importantly it’s a very anti Islamic celebration.
i still always buy into the hype and feel miserable when it doesn’t deliver. i went out for dinner with a bunch of other single friends, it was fun, we made fun of other couples in love, secretly wishing the places were switched. everytime the phone rang or i got a message my heart skipped a beat, hoping against hope maybe someone was calling or taking the cheapskate route and sending a text. In retrospect i would’ve taken the cheapskate route over nothing at all, which is what i got, absolutely zilch.
today’s blog, boys and girls, will be about my uncanny ability to drive men away! yay!! it’s rather sad really…
we’ve established with almost unquestionable authority that it’s not my looks that’s making these men head for the hills, i may not be drop dead gorgeous but i’m pretty easy on the eyes, if i do say so myself. so, the problem then is my personality. it can’t be my sense of humor, which we all know is awesome!
i think i reek of desperation, what is impatience on my part to get the relationship going is seen as clinginess by men in general. and so good am i at repelling men that even ones that have been the ones to approach me first and declare undying love seem to decide not so much after a while. in the words of Aerosmith ‘ain’t that a bitch?!’
if i could learn to take it easy i could get SOMEONE to love me, i’m sure…
the last guy i liked told me he wanted to take it slow… we’re not friends anymore, we’re barely even acquaintances…that slow enough for ya?!